What I have learned after 1 year of marriage.
A little more than one year ago, that happened, and I couldn't be happier...
Marriage-a word that can arouse happiness, expectation, hope, joy, or fear for many people. Some girls will imagine themselves in the brightest white wedding dress as they float down a broad aisle with family members and closest friends shedding tears of joy, while others feel a multitude of butterflies in their stomach because they don't know if they will find the right mate. For men, the situation is different. Will the word raise excitement or will it be associated solely with a woman's dream? Is marriage a process to be complied with for the sake of her peace of mind?
Regardless of the image that the word “marriage” brings to mind, one thing is true; beneath the meaning and hopes of marriage is the foundation of finding a soul mate: the other half, a perfect relationship that offers bliss, the one destined to be with you forever.
In my first-year of marriage, I learned why so many people with those expectations fail most of their partners or abandon relationships in those showing moments that define a couple.
Our defining moment came at the end of January 2017. Not too long ago. Almost six months into our married life, this new life presented many new challenges to me and my wife, Rachel. We moved to a new city, a new state, left a university setting after years of being conditioned to live by the school rules and our coaches' dictates, and we both stopped playing the sports that were part of our identity, soccer for me and volleyball for her.
Afraid that I would be a burden on the country, the U.S. government was still checking my past and examining my relationship with Rachel to decide if I could work, so I could not get a "real job." So, for six months, I pushed hard. I worked hard in social media marketing. I worked hard at writing articles for newspapers for free. I worked hard not to let inertia take hold of me while Rachel applied herself to prove her value to a Fortune 500 company every day.
Then, when I thought soccer was dead, it found its way back into my life and consequently to the life of my wife. She was working from 8 to 5, and I was going to practice at 8:30 pm and coming back just before midnight.
The future was uncertain. Was I supposed to keep doing this? How much more could we take?
Then, I was blessed with an opportunity to join the FC Dallas players for training sessions during their pre-season. Rachel was thrilled. She prayed with me and pushed me to go for it, even though I had been distant from soccer for more than eight months at that point.
Training with the FC Dallas first team was excellent. I battled insecurity and fear, but felt overjoyed when I felt I could add something to that level of the sport, even if not as much as others around me. When pre-season was over, and the experience along with it, the result was not a contract or the much-expected defined path that Rachel and I finally thought we would see. We were, again, without direction.
She was evolving significantly in her job while I felt that I had not progressed at all towards a career, and we were already over a half year into our first year of marriage.
I was feeling robbed of something I deserved. "God, I have worked so hard in my life... I have given so much of myself to a dream... Why am I so lost?" My depressive feelings started to eat away at my marriage, and at that point, I am not sure if Rachel thought I was her soul mate any longer. I wasn’t sure if Rachel thought that sad guy was her destiny or if I was the one who would sweep her into a relationship of pure bliss.
One Tuesday night, I was stir-crazy after an entire day at home when Rachel came back from work with her usual innocent yet always truthful smile-one of the few things that could still spark optimism in my heart. Wearing a bright pink dress, with her golden blonde hair down on her shoulders, she seemed the definition of happiness while I resembled the epitomy of anxiety on the couch. She said, "My love, I missed you today. How are you?"
Out of my impatience and stress, I fired back, saying that I was tired of not knowing where to go. So, I should keep playing soccer, maybe? Such a decision meant me traveling all the time and possibly moving to a different state for several months of the year, so a long-distance relationship was on the table. My tone of voice was breathy and raucous, and my body agitated in such a way that could only be explained by my ratcheted-up anxiety.
I knew that idea was crazy! "We just moved to Texas, so why move now to make just enough money to go broke and on top of that,my wife would not even see me play? Also, what if I get injured?"
Rachel showed me what love is right then and there.
Instead of freaking out, calling her best friends to complain about my immaturity, and impulsiveness, or crying out of fear or some looming loneliness, Rachel heard my rambling. Then, with what can only be described as pure altruism, she said, "If that is what you want, then, we will have to talk about it to see how we can make it work."
Wow.
There I was... Thinking about my future, my frustrations, and myself, while she, regardless of the difficulties, was just focusing on making us better as a couple.
At that moment, I realized why soul mates,like the ones portrayed on TV, in films, and on social media will never be examples of a fulfilling relationship to anyone.
Love is strengthened, shaped, and evolved through sacrifice, perseverance, altruism, and obstacles while soul mates are sold as illusions and fairy-tales that lead to a selfish state of everlasting comfort.
Are you remembering the happily ever after movies now?
Of course, I did not keep playing soccer. Moving away or traveling too much right after marrying the greatest blessing of my life seemed sickening when reflecting on the idea with a cool head.
In one year of marriage, we overcame at least as many obstacles as we did in our four years of dating. Difficulties over unprecedented problems, old issues, and complicated, uncertain routines were battled out with regularity during that first year. However, the most fulfilling times are not the final destinations, but the ride to get there. And, the first year of marriage was a great ride!
Our first year was a journey in which I learned many things, got picked back up many times and connected with Rach like never before. However, the most important piece of knowledge I learned was that falling in love, staying in love, and growing in love is a process, a truly beautiful process, that requires happiness as well as pain.
Don't let the societal meaning of “soul mate” make you jump out of the relationship boat because she is too different or because he is in an immature phase right now. Much like a diamond, true love must be shaped through a lot of pressure over time.
I love Rachel more than anything I can imagine and cannot wait for the next years of teaming up against the obstacles!
Today, in your birthday (08/24), I thank you, Rachel, for being an amazing example of love, perseverance, and my safe harbor.
For all, Just remember, it is not about how you feel. It is not even about you. It is about the journey of giving yourself to each other.